Do you want paper or plastic?

So, here I am. 34 years old and working in a grocery store. When I was in school, I always thought that I'd end up a big shot attorney or a copy editor at least. Instead, I spend 25 hours a week asking inane questions like, "Would you like paper or plastic?" and "Would you like your milk in a bag?" I know, it's only 25 hours or less a week that I deal with this nonsense. I should feel lucky to have a husband who's willing to basically support me. We live comfortably. Nice little house, always more than enough food, as many books as I can read. I am appreciative. My only issue is with the bastards I have to deal with at work. Did you know that you're probably an asshole when you're at the store? I'm here to tell you that, more than likely, you are.
Let's begin with my first mind numbing question. "Would you like paper or plastic?" If you're one of the few in this country who still have that option, you probably feel that it's your right to smugly say, "I think I'll have paper today." Ok, it IS your right, but just so you know, the bagger and the cashier are cussing you in their heads. I don't mean simple profanity like "bitch", or "asshole"... I'm talking the kind of swearing that would make George Carlin spin in his grave like a rotisserie chicken. "Why?" you ask? I'll tell you why, BECAUSE PAPER SUCKS!!!! It sucks because it gives us paper cuts!! It sucks because it takes about 70% more effort than tossing your crap in plastic bags!!! It sucks because it's a general pain in the ass!!! Got it? Cool. Don't be the douchebag with his groceries in paper bags.
The second mind numbing question that I have to ask is, "Do you want your milk in a bag?" To be clear, when you answer "Yes" I'm thinking to myself, "Of course you do you self important cock stain." The jug has a handle, you don't need a bag. Pull up your big girl or big boy panties and carry your milk by the handle. It's not that hard. Your hand will not suffer any debilitating injuries from it. I promise.
I'm glad we've had this time to talk. Now you're beginning to learn how not to be a dick at the grocery store.